Fried Spam

Bought This Yesterday For The Little One.

2010-05-04T16:01:00.002-05:00

Hope she enjoys it as much as I did.

This Would Compliment My Coffee Machine Nicely at Home.

2010-04-20T14:57:00.002-05:00

Mama, I am feeling the angina com'n on.

Safety From the Dreaded Facial?

2009-12-01T12:23:00.000-06:00

Currently Listening To:

2009-07-21T10:13:00.005-05:00

This will put the meat in your balls...

Weiner Mobile Makes an Attempt at Re-entry Sans Lubricant

2009-07-21T09:33:00.001-05:00

Isabella is Here

2009-06-26T13:49:00.002-05:00

8lbs 7oz born 06/24/2009, 524pm

I would one day like to have fresh snappy crisp jokes

2009-05-06T15:37:00.002-05:00

Amen Brother

2009-05-04T10:35:00.003-05:00

WHINER

2009-05-01T12:21:00.002-05:00

DOER

2009-05-01T12:20:00.002-05:00

MY HERO

2009-04-30T12:35:00.003-05:00

He was such a poon hound.

Goggles Wins, Sort Of

2009-04-24T16:35:00.003-05:00

Thanks to all for supporting me in the MS150. It unfortunately was rained out the first day (Saturday)so it became the MS75. Sunday was beautiful so we all drove up to La Grange Texas and rode to Austin, Just 75 miles. My taint is a bit sore as well as me bum but it was for a good charity. Thanks again. Sorry for the small pics but the company taking them wants a fortune for the prints.

MS 150 Update Part 3

2009-04-02T10:04:00.004-05:00

Goggles Paisano Needs You!!!

I have registered once again for the MS150 bicycle ride from Houston, TX to Austin, TX to raise awareness for multiple sclerosis. I have set a personal goal to raise 1000 dollars this year and would appreciate your support. Please click the link below for more information and to donate. Thank You.

Update 2: I am at $780, only $220 to make my goal. Our team goal is a $1000 per rider. Thanks to all that have contributed thus far. Please click the link below for more information and to donate. Thank You.

MS150 Support

Spazzam

2009-03-23T09:06:00.002-05:00

Ahh, the good ole days when men superheroes could be slightly pudgy in tights but the women still had to be hot.

Bumpkin Holiday

2009-03-19T13:29:00.004-05:00

About this time of year every country bumkin, tobacco chewin, dulley truck drivin redneck pulls into town for the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo at the Astrodome (Reliant Center now). It just so happens that I live just down the road from this palace. These so called cowboys walk around all smug with their boot wearin and 10 gallon hats like they own the place. Some have the nerve to go a lookin down at us city slickers (while screwing up our already heavy traffic) like we just don't know what kinda fun were missin flinging cow pies and such. Well let me tell you somethin Mr Cowboy here's somethin you can swallow with that tobacco spit you leave on our sidewalks. Us city slickers are the ones hostin the biggest livestock show and rodeo in the world. So if it aint good enough fur ya, take your country ass back to the woodshed and have your own five finger rodeo partner.

Hair Band Brothers

2009-03-13T12:30:00.001-05:00

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

MS 150

2009-02-19T15:10:00.010-06:00

Googles Paisano Needs You!!!

I have registered once again for the MS150 bicycle ride from Houston, TX to Austin, TX to raise awareness for multiple sclerosis. I have set a personal goal to raise 1000 dollars this year and would appreciate your support. Please click the link below for more information and to donate. Thank You.

Update: I am at $290, only $710 to make my goal. I need to raise a minimum of $400 to participate in the ride but our team goal is a $1000 per rider. Thanks to all that have contributed thus far. Please click the link below for more information and to donate. Thank You.

MS150 Support

If It Were 1979 I Would Definetly Be Sportin' Some Wood

2009-02-12T13:59:00.000-06:00

Poll: Which Should be My New Profile with a Marvelous Stache?

2009-02-08T18:52:00.002-06:00

Continued Below

2009-02-08T18:47:00.002-06:00

I Just Need a Nice Tom Selick Mustache To Finish This Look Off

2009-02-06T16:23:00.002-06:00

Shagtastic

2009-02-05T10:49:00.004-06:00

Today I was thinking of deep plush shag carpet and knee burns and this popped into my head:

It's All in a Name

2009-01-16T12:19:00.003-06:00

Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger III deserves all the accolades he gets for bringing in a plane full of passengers with no fatalities. On a lighter note I couldn't help but notice his name and the fact that he was the third person to receive it. I must name my first born after him.

Those Were the Days

2009-01-09T15:55:00.005-06:00

Just look at Jen and mom take care of the boys. Cleaning and such while boys take care of the fun. Those were the days when things were fair and balanced and doggone it if I may say, wholesome. I bet if it were like that today our economy would be strong. Our men would be happy working and playing bringing home the check and our woman could stay home and not worry about anything at all but pleasing the men. No stressing over this equal careers pay crap. I'm just trying to help. I'm on your side girls.

Im Bored, No, Today I am REALLY Bored

2008-12-30T12:02:00.008-06:00

So I picked up this jewel of a journal and knitted a private movie viewing theater so I can watch porno without guilt in public.
P.S. Those are not boobs, that is my backup battery supply. This setup is an energy hog. Anybody know how to knit a kinetic sweater?, carrying all these batteries is killing my back. Now I now how Busty Barbie feels.
Next Issue: For all you single guys I will include instructions on how to knit a vagina.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T22:55:00.002-06:00

Ill. Gov. Blagojevich pledges to fight, won't quit until he gets his bangs cut

2008-12-19T16:00:00.001-06:00

Lordy Maw, I want me some Kookies

2008-12-18T16:17:00.001-06:00

Christmas List

2008-12-16T21:01:00.012-06:00

I'm on my second box of Captain Crunch. Boy is the roof of my mouth numb and those aren't crunch berries baby, its blood. I'm in it all the way. Two more boxes and the Big Wheel is mine. Go Get Yours Here!!! BIG WHEEL

Or, I may settle for one of these babies: Sweet....

Santa Claus Oi

2008-12-11T15:51:00.002-06:00

Someone today told me Santa Claus was Jewish. Is this true?

Good Gawd

2008-12-11T09:55:00.001-06:00

James Brown has been reincarnated as a blonde.

Breakfast and Music Rules

2008-12-08T09:17:00.001-06:00

I like my metal crunchy like my breakfast.

Electronic Crack

2008-11-24T10:44:00.001-06:00

I bought an iphone this weekend and I think I need an intervention.

Santa Limbaugh

2008-11-18T09:45:00.005-06:00

Can rush help Bill in saving Christmas from those liberal greedy banks that won't free up the credit markets so we can spend spend spend and save our economy?

The Wisdom of an Idiot

2008-11-17T09:12:00.003-06:00

America should have decided the vote. I don't mean Americans. I mean America. The actual land. That's his argument.

Goodnight Opus

2008-11-13T22:35:00.000-06:00

Happy Halloween, Have a Beer On Me.

2008-10-31T12:04:00.001-05:00

Dressed for the Quest

2008-10-30T14:50:00.001-05:00

Memories of Glory

2008-10-29T15:33:00.001-05:00

Oh how I miss the crusades of yesteryear.

Nordic Tendencies

2008-10-29T09:38:00.005-05:00

Now that the cold air of Fall is whipping through my loins my Nordic instincts are kicking in. I and the horde crafted a land ship to rape and pillage the village.

Long Live Our True Xmas Savior

2008-10-29T09:22:00.009-05:00

Billy Claus

I get warm fuzzies this time of year and its not because it's the holiday season but its the comfort in knowing Bill will be there to save it from all those liberal atheist America haters. So go on our true soldier with your legion of Mr. Hankies that follow you all year long. We know you can be fair and balanced when you shout down all our enemies because knowledge and opinions are scary.

The Rebirth of Gar the White as Told by The Prophecy

2008-10-24T11:38:00.003-05:00

Note the plaid pelt that was passed from the ancient counsel.

Let There Be Light

2008-10-01T13:10:00.001-05:00

A little over two weeks and I have POWER. I am celebrating it like electricity was just invented.

I Wonder if They Make it in Pussy Cat Flavor?

2008-09-24T11:30:00.000-05:00

Turn on the Lights Fuckers

2008-09-24T09:26:00.007-05:00

12 days and no electricity. Come on paw, keep rubbin dem sticks we need some fire so cookie can git tha grub ready. Where's my Cub Scout book when I need it? Anybody want to send me a hurricane package? Devil Dogs?

My House Took a Lickin and Keeps on Tickin

2008-09-14T14:10:00.003-05:00

No power no water no problem. At the in-laws. Where's Brownie? I need him to do a heck of a job to get over here and fix everything up. Kiss my ass Ike.

Thanks for the Laugh Slack

2008-09-11T15:45:00.000-05:00

glumbert - Jesus Is My Friend

Have an Atomically Smashing Good Time!

2008-09-11T14:31:00.001-05:00

Has the atom smasher disproved hell yet. I'm going out this weekend and need to know!!!

We Got A Storm a Comin'

2008-09-11T11:17:00.003-05:00

Wouldn't you know it. I put a contract on a new home and I am getting my home ready to sell. And somebody named Ike wants to visit. Inlaws!@#%$#%#$!!!!

Ye Olde Gansta

2008-09-09T09:19:00.002-05:00

My classmates would make fun of me because I would sit in class and make gangsta rap sound like it came out of a Disney musical. And then one day I saw this and lost it.

Who Turned Out Da Lights Yo?

2008-09-02T13:48:00.000-05:00

For the Ladies

2008-08-29T14:44:00.002-05:00

How To Be The Perfect Girlfriend

Giggity

2008-08-28T09:45:00.001-05:00

My Hot Wife Mrs Ritardo

2008-08-22T09:22:00.005-05:00

Reminds me of That Girl Double Hotttt

Handsome Bastard

2008-08-22T09:07:00.001-05:00

The Arrival and Opening of the Funny Bones

2008-08-17T16:36:00.012-05:00

The Funny Bones are here! Thanks to Mia at Shaken not Stirred. I still like getting packages in the mail like a kid. I can't wait to open it. I grab the box and settle on the couch and look for a corner to start on. I rotate the box several times and realize it's like looking at a flying saucer from one of those cheesy scifi flix.

There are NO SEAMS. Impressive packaging Mia. I retrieve the scissors from the kitchen and make a seam. I peal back the first layer to find...

another layer. Oh man, she going to make me work for it. That's o.k. I will fill in the calorie deficit soon. I cut through the second layer to the box and tear off the top and what's inside?..

another layer. This ones easy though. I unwrap the last layer to find the Funny Bones in a plastic grocery sac. I can only surmise that the multi-layering was to: 1. Keep the pastrys fresh and 2. It is true what they say about the rats in NYC being big and mean.

The Tasting of the Funny Bones

2008-08-17T16:21:00.005-05:00

Finally the Funny Bones are free from their long journey and cardboard incarceration.

They are still warm and moist as though they were just pulled from the oven or a hot delivery truck (whichever fantasy fits your needs).

Now lets take a bite. Nice moist chocolate but the first one missed the peanut butter station so I must go for the second one. Yes this is the ticket. I have to say they are pretty good. I like peanut butter more than chocolate but not by much. I haven't had a Devil Dog in years but what I remember is that they were very tasty as well. This is tough. I think I like Funny Bones just as well as Devil Dogs, but I may just give it one hundreds of a second better flavor time just because the addition of peanut butter in the mix.

Reality TV

2008-08-14T09:35:00.003-05:00

I like watching that show The Bachelor. There's a show I understand. It's one guy and twenty five girls. Sounds like a good party. But The Bachelorette, I don't get it. It's one girl and twenty five guys. I mean, who wants to marry the whore?

From the wisdom of Jamie Kennedy.

My Hero White Chocolate

2008-08-13T20:01:00.000-05:00

Its Monday, And Only Astronaut Jones Can Put a Smile on My Face.

2008-08-11T13:06:00.003-05:00

SING ALONG EVERYONE

"Rocket
I'm taking a rocket.
I'm packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!

Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race
I'll be there soon.

Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
There's a fair adventure
collecting stones.

Yeah, it's my way
on the ol' space highway.
That's why they all say
"There goes Astronaut Jones!"

Hey!"

Bully For Me

2008-08-04T08:23:00.001-05:00

I Love My Fans

2008-08-02T23:47:00.002-05:00

Vs.

2008-08-02T11:41:00.003-05:00

Funny Bones are a good spackle to patch up the shower and tub.

Devil Dogs are a good treat after a hard day spackling up the shower and tub.

Mr. Cookies Speaks, Then Looses it!

2008-08-02T11:28:00.002-05:00

Gday Everyone, Ice Coffee for All

2008-08-01T11:36:00.004-05:00

If everyone was here today I would buy them an ice coffee in honor of Friday.

Devil Dogs Rule the Earth

2008-07-31T14:20:00.001-05:00

Contrary to our friend Ms Slack, Devil Dogs kick ass. Not HoHos, not DingDongs or FunnyBones, but yes my friends...Devil Dogs moist rich creamy filling beetwixt two lovely folds of chocolate cake.

Beavis Las Vegas

2008-07-30T09:20:00.005-05:00

In a fit of rage late last night at the Pink Flamingo. Beavis aka "The Great Cornholio" got all up in the grill and bitch slapped one Bobby Barnferber for claiming he was the original Cornholio. Bobby's only reply to the chargers were "that bitch got some long finger nails." Beavis denied the nail accusation and said he was probably a cutter and since he doesn't have arms maybe his large forehead gave him relief.

Can I Borrow a Cup O Milk

2008-07-29T15:33:00.005-05:00

Dinky Donuts: I was always confused as a child with the Purina symbol on the cereal and the dog food.
MR. T: I never thought of Mr. T as crispy and sweet. Well maybe crispy.

2008-07-29T11:53:00.003-05:00

Does this include Ass Gas Mr. Woodsy? And just how did you get your name? Is it short for Woodward?

Im Having a Chaka Monday

2008-07-28T09:48:00.001-05:00

More Vegas Mania

2008-07-25T19:57:00.002-05:00

Y'all Know Who You Be

2008-07-25T16:41:00.002-05:00

In Sunny Las Vegas at the PICS Conference, I'm a Conventioneer!

2008-07-22T10:55:00.003-05:00

For Dick, May the Doug Be With You.

2008-07-18T18:32:00.003-05:00

Be sure to pick up your flavored communion wafers on the way out at the gift shop.

Sportin the new summer Dew

2008-07-14T18:50:00.003-05:00

Shortest I have ever gone. Would have gone all the way but afraid my hair won't grow back. Come on people Houston is fucking hot. I will get back to the Gar dew in the fall just in time for the pillaging of the villages season.

Dream Big

2008-07-08T07:47:00.003-05:00

When I was a wee lad I wanted to grow up and be a rock star just like the captain. If I were lucky after several hits on the road I would score a saucy wench worthy of my company such as Tennille. We would be making muskrat love all the way to the bank.

Tips for the Catholic Church to increase Sunday attendance

2008-07-07T10:52:00.009-05:00

I have great ideas I would like to someday present to the Pope. As we all know over the years the attendance at mass has suffered. I will list a few of my ideas to help increase the numbers during the hot summer months:
1. Offer a holy guacamole dip for that dry communion wafer. Heck, we already have the wine to wash it down.
2. Try out new flavored communion wafers at mass like sour cream and onion or BBQ and sell the most popular ones at the gift shop.
3. How about a slice of lemon in the holy water?

Revenge on the Jimmy

2008-07-02T15:00:00.001-05:00

Why that Jimmy, I will get him one day. I have a plan and it goes like this...

Spreadin Some Luv Jimmy Style

2008-06-26T13:20:00.009-05:00

Jimmy

Jimmy Hat
My name is Jimmy Jam and I likes to Jam on my Jimmy.Some people think its just bird droppins, but its all love from me to you, Love Jimmy.

Santa in the Off Season

2008-06-19T12:47:00.002-05:00

If anyone is wondering where Santa is staying this summer, I spotted him hanging from a tree in downtown L.A. across the street from the Catholic Cathedral. Doesn't he look tan, rested and ready for Xmas?

What Happened to the Mall?

2008-06-16T12:23:00.006-05:00

Yesterday I decided to finally shop for clothing. Its been a long time because, while I like fashion, I don't like to shop. My parachute pants are starting to fade and have a few holes. So I went to the local mall to buy some replacements and maybe pick up another rope belt and some checkered sleeveless shirts. As I walked up and down the mall and I just couldn't find Chess King. What the hell happened to Chess King? I went to the info booth and I think they laughed at me. I finally gave up and decided to unwind at the Gold Mine Arcade. A few games of Donkey Kong or Ms Pacman might help relax me. When I arrived...I just can't go on...no games...whats Libby Lu? I need a Xanax

Love and Hate

2008-06-06T10:40:00.003-05:00

I love Scooby Doo. I hate scrappy. He is a scab used for a ratings boost during sweeps week. He is an annoying Napoleon complex little fucker.

oganza bi sasa the sleestacks are coming

2008-05-29T12:08:00.002-05:00

I set out several large rodent traps last night to only be awaken once again by a massive sleestack infestation and this time lead by the queen.

Just Back From Southern Cali

2008-05-23T19:04:00.002-05:00

Some of my favorite places and pictures from L.A. and surrounding areas.

To the Ed of the Class

2008-05-23T09:28:00.002-05:00

I did Maiden last night. I now only understand sign language secondary to my extreme deafness this A.M.

The Origins of the Izzle Language

2008-05-02T15:13:00.003-05:00

It is my firm belief that one day a young snoop dawg was watching Hanna Barbera's Jeannie and misspoke Babu's famous line Yabble Dabble substituting the Bs with Zs. Thus, Yazzle Dazzle and on to other izzle fizzle words. Notice Babu's early Aladdin pimp suit.

Monkey Butt 150

2008-04-15T20:05:00.011-05:00

Thanks to all who supported me on the MS150 now known as the Monkey Butt 150. I survived the chaffing and of course I'm sunburned to a crisp having that pure Irish skin o'mine. Special thanks to Sans for his generous donation. Here are some pictures. Enjoy.

MS150

2008-02-25T11:08:00.003-06:00

I am riding in the MS150 bicycle tour this april for MS. I would appreciate any sponsorship you can afford. No donation is too small or too big. The ride is two days long and is about 160 miles. Thanks for your support. Please click the link below.

MS150.ORG

NYC

2008-02-25T10:54:00.003-06:00

Back from a long week in NYC recently. I ran across this store and thought I accidentally landed in L.A.

The Darker Side of Light

2008-01-17T14:40:00.000-06:00

The battle ax runeth through my veins today as I conquer the high ground of cubicle canyon and my theme song to the battle is Iced Earth's "The Dark Saga". Arrrrgh.

UFO

2008-01-16T15:35:00.000-06:00

I was reading that several people in a small town in Texas spotted a UFO. And as usual it was in the country and there was a near by airforce base that denied seeing anything on radar. "When we goin to catch one of those green critters paw?"

Xmas Especial 3rd and Last Ghost

2008-01-02T12:12:00.001-06:00

Bang, bang, bang at my door. I thought I sent those horse teeth horse lovin freaks on their way. I ran over to the door and Shazaam!! Jim Nabors was standing there with a grin on his face like someone just gave him a shiny new bicycle. He went on and on about how he was supposed to be the 3rd ghost of Christmas Especials past but he got side tracked with my exquisite door knob and how shiny and hard it was and the shape was just right (for what? I didn't ask). Well howdy neighbor I'm here to spread Christmas cheer, Jim said. Well Golly its the day after new years, hope you enjoyed my door knob fucker. I then slammed the door, put out the camp fire and went to bed. What lesson did I learn? People fucking irritate me even more during Christmas.

Xmas Especial

2007-12-14T13:20:00.001-06:00

As I drifted off to sleep in my one bedroom apartment I awoke to a rattling of chains and moaning that would make Traci Lords blush. I was visited by a spirit. The spirit of John Davidson. I know he's alive but I thought he was dead. Anyways it was him. I quickly reached for my polaroid and snapped this picture. Bastard is quick and before the flash went off he sported this pose.

So anyways, he said I would be visited by three spirits of Christmas Especials past, I said "why"? and he said because. I said "I don't appreciate you blowing in here on your silver locks and waking me up, no thank you mister" and he said tough and twanged a twang on his guitar so hard it threw me back against the wall knocking the sconces off there nails. So I picked myself up and said, "bring it on man and while your at it give Jose Feliciano's hair back". He flew off on his flowery guitar cause God knows he can't play it (unless granted by the powers of Mr. Rork) and sang later bitch. So off to bed I went. Fuck that fucker. Im tired. I drifted off thinking how long it would take him to fly back to Branson, Missouri.
I suddenly woke shivering. There was an ice cold breaze through my blankets and I felt these fuzzy things creaping up around my junk. Suddenly this freaky geek looking dude jumped up on my bed professing he was the 1st ghost of Christmas especials past. Not another fruit cake with a guitar, I thougtht!

Next thing I know they were lighting a camp fire next to my bed and singing Rocky Mountain this, Rocky Mountain that and passing some kind of pipe.

I said, "hey ass wipe pull the bangs from your eyes, your going to start a fire in here". He replied, too bad, you shouldn't have done all those drugs in the past. Remember little Timmy? (He)was run over by a bus after you dropped him off at the wrong corner. Hows that peace pipe now? Why don't you tell him Merry Christmas now, lets dig him up and take him home to the right corner. I didn't think so, go back to bed and hope you don't wake up as crispy as your lungs are.
Things suddenly got quiet for along time. I thougth about all the drugs I used to do and who's Timmy? I never knew a Timmy. Poor Timmy. So what was the lesson anyways? My heart began to beat harder and louder and I realized it was the hooves of two horses riding through my bedroom. Well why not, we already have a freakin camp fire. Maybe cooky will make us some fixins. As they pulled up to my bed these two obnoxiously dressed pair with teeth bigger than the horses they rode up on said "howdy neighbor we are the 2nd ghosts of Christmas Especials past".

Then in unison they both sang out Christmas is a party, you should party on Christmas. I thought, oh great, let me break out the margarita flavored Colgate, yippy frekin do! I, without hesitation, slapped the ass of each horse with ninja like skill and speed and sent the two off as fast as they arrived. With their teeth to light the way I had nary a care nor worry. To be continue....

Magic Ass

2007-11-02T11:01:00.000-05:00

Hold on and stare in to my deep magical eye balls while I magically tap that ass in a far away magical island because I don't know how to ask a girl out normally or order a prostitute while performing in Vegas. It's magical don't you think.

Is it Halloween Yet?

2007-10-26T11:59:00.000-05:00

Last night I went down to the cellar to grab a Schlitz popsicle and frozen burrito from the freezer and this beauty was jammin to my old school funk vinyl collection. "WTF, thats my prize collection beotch." She began to shower me with her death breath so I turned it up a notch and brushed her teeth with a pick ax. Next time your over and go down to the cellar watch your step around the freezer, the grounds a bit soft.

Where's Dick?

2007-10-02T11:31:00.000-05:00

My New Childrens

2007-09-19T20:31:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I decided I needed to start a family so I drew some new childrens.

Photo Essay, What's Going on Here?

2007-09-17T19:51:00.000-05:00

Photo Essay, What's Going On Here?

2007-09-06T13:03:00.001-05:00

Todays Battle Axe

2007-08-30T13:00:00.000-05:00

Todays Battle Axe is brought to you by Godsmack IV. Shut up and listen.