You’re Under Breast Arrest!

About month ago I discovered a lump in my left breast. I am a male so should I worry? Being in the medical field you tend to over analyze everything to the point of paranoia. My friends in medicine didn’t make me feel any better pointing out the fact that male breast cancer is more deadly. I think this is due to men not going to the doctor to have it checked until it’s too late. So with that I made an appointment with my doctor.

At the doctors office I wasn’t too worried. I thought he would come in and say, “oh that’s just an inside out pimple. We’ll just lance it off and you will be on your way.” After the exam he said, “ well I think it is just a dilated vein or something, but lets get an echo and mammogram.” Out the door I went with my referral. I soon made the appointment and realized it would be almost a month before I would get the tests. I don’t want to wait. I want to know if my boob is normal or not. So now for the next month I start to worry a little. I was a prisoner of my left tit.

The day finally came and I went in for the tests. I sat in the waiting room being the only male. Not necessarily a bad thing. I heard my name with Ms. in front of it. Being comfortable with my manhood my ego suffered no long lasting damage. I understood and laughed it off. As I followed the nurse down the hall into the mammogram room I soon found out why women hate them. The tech took my breast and “milked” as much tissue out as she could mold onto a small table and lowered this clear plate on top of it and smashed it into oblivion. Just when you think she can’t squeeze down on it anymore she does just that. And then one more time so I can’t escape. The mammogram machine now pin my left breast down into submission. Of course they do this from every angle and then the right breast just to compare it. I felt like I just breast fed a pack of rhinos before walking out of that room.

After a short time back out in the waiting room I was called back for the echo. This was much more pleasant. I lay back in a bed with the lights down while warm jelly was being applied to my chest. Then the echo tech massaged my breast with a probe to illuminate my tissue below. (Isn’t this how most porno’s start?) As I watched the screen I could see this pea shaped object just below the skin. The tech say’s, “I’ll be right back.” I relaxed not thinking anything until the she came back with the radiologist. I was a little concerned because I work in cardiology. When the tech is having concerns they will go and get the doctor to come back with them. So the radiologist’s starts doing the echo and starts saying, “I can’t see it.” I am thinking, “see what?” I later learned that what she was looking for was a tail. If you can see a tail it means it’s a cyst. A cyst is typically benign and that would have been the end of the story, but no. The radiologist wants to be safe and recommends a needle aspiration with or without a biopsy. Now I want to crap my pants. She says, “we will contact your doctor to get permission and you can come back at a later date.” No, dammit I want it now, I thought.

So I am waiting for the phone call to come back for my biopsy date. I finally get a call from my doctor, not the radiologist. He wants to see me as soon as possible to go over the results of the echo. Now I really want to crap my pants. I frantically ask the nurse why. I thought I was just going for a biopsy. She states that this is routine. I go in the next day and he hands me the echo report. It states that the mass is graded at ACR-4-Suspicious. I ask what does this mean. ACR-1 is benign and ACR-5 is cancer diagnosed on the spot. Ooops, I just crapped my pants. He says, “don’t worry most of these are benign, it’s probable just a cyst.” “The echo was just inconclusive.” “The radiologist just wanted to make sure she covered herself and you would come back.” Just, just, just fuck… “What do you think about doing the biopsy”, he asks. “I would of done it yesterday if they would have let me.” So off I went with my referral slip again. Luckily I wouldn’t have to wait but a week this time.

When faced with the possibility of cancer even if its slight you start to have all kinds a weird thoughts. The weekend before the biopsy my wife and I were at a wedding. We didn’t talk about it much. I didn’t want to worry her. She looks at me at the reception though and wells up with tears saying, “I don’t want you to leave me.” That just killed me. I felt so sad. I don’t want to leave; I’m not going to leave. I have only been married since April and we haven’t even started a family yet. I started thinking how I didn’t accomplish all my goals; how I would not outlive my parents and not see my kids grow up. Everything becomes symbolic and your superstitions rise off the charts. I went from being upbeat and invincible to just stressed out and fearful. It just sucked.

The day of the biopsy arrived. I was back in the same office but in a different room. The nurse explained that my breast would be numbed up and then the radiologist would first try the aspiration (which would indicate a cyst. I was hopeful). If no fluid came out they would have to go ahead with the biopsy and that would require an incision. I was praying this mother was juicy as hell. The radiologist was the same person as the one I met on echo day. She began to numb my boob up with a few burning sticks She said look at the screen, there is the needle. I looked up at the echo screen since the needle would be guided by echo. Oh, shit. It looks longer than my forearm, I’m thinking. Maybe I should wait in the waiting room while you do that. I don’t like needles too much. Can I have a beer now? “Oh, It’s gone”, she states. “Huh?” “What’s gone?” I thought she was still numbing my boob. The aspiration needle popped the mass. It was a cyst. Extreme relief. Hold the beer. “It is very very rare for the aspirated fluid to come back abnormal and if it does it is usually in women”, she states. Well that sucks if you’re a woman, I thought. I am still waiting for the results today but I feel like I have a whole new life granted to me. Should we all go through this just to appreciate life itself? I don’t know.