Friday, December 14, 2007

Xmas Especial

As I drifted off to sleep in my one bedroom apartment I awoke to a rattling of chains and moaning that would make Traci Lords blush. I was visited by a spirit. The spirit of John Davidson. I know he's alive but I thought he was dead. Anyways it was him. I quickly reached for my polaroid and snapped this picture. Bastard is quick and before the flash went off he sported this pose.

So anyways, he said I would be visited by three spirits of Christmas Especials past, I said "why"? and he said because. I said "I don't appreciate you blowing in here on your silver locks and waking me up, no thank you mister" and he said tough and twanged a twang on his guitar so hard it threw me back against the wall knocking the sconces off there nails. So I picked myself up and said, "bring it on man and while your at it give Jose Feliciano's hair back". He flew off on his flowery guitar cause God knows he can't play it (unless granted by the powers of Mr. Rork) and sang later bitch. So off to bed I went. Fuck that fucker. Im tired. I drifted off thinking how long it would take him to fly back to Branson, Missouri.
I suddenly woke shivering. There was an ice cold breaze through my blankets and I felt these fuzzy things creaping up around my junk. Suddenly this freaky geek looking dude jumped up on my bed professing he was the 1st ghost of Christmas especials past. Not another fruit cake with a guitar, I thougtht!

Next thing I know they were lighting a camp fire next to my bed and singing Rocky Mountain this, Rocky Mountain that and passing some kind of pipe.

I said, "hey ass wipe pull the bangs from your eyes, your going to start a fire in here". He replied, too bad, you shouldn't have done all those drugs in the past. Remember little Timmy? (He)was run over by a bus after you dropped him off at the wrong corner. Hows that peace pipe now? Why don't you tell him Merry Christmas now, lets dig him up and take him home to the right corner. I didn't think so, go back to bed and hope you don't wake up as crispy as your lungs are.
Things suddenly got quiet for along time. I thougth about all the drugs I used to do and who's Timmy? I never knew a Timmy. Poor Timmy. So what was the lesson anyways? My heart began to beat harder and louder and I realized it was the hooves of two horses riding through my bedroom. Well why not, we already have a freakin camp fire. Maybe cooky will make us some fixins. As they pulled up to my bed these two obnoxiously dressed pair with teeth bigger than the horses they rode up on said "howdy neighbor we are the 2nd ghosts of Christmas Especials past".

Then in unison they both sang out Christmas is a party, you should party on Christmas. I thought, oh great, let me break out the margarita flavored Colgate, yippy frekin do! I, without hesitation, slapped the ass of each horse with ninja like skill and speed and sent the two off as fast as they arrived. With their teeth to light the way I had nary a care nor worry. To be continue....