Thursday, November 30, 2006

Nuttin Like the Nut Freezin Season

I went to work this morning and it was over 70 degrees out, now its in the 30s. What the hell. Or maybe not Hell, but its cold out.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Drake's Cakes Opinion Poll

Ok Jen, I see your point if you were comparing twinkie type cakes. I have never had "Funny Bones" though. Drake's Cakes are hard to come by here in the south. A friend of mine however brought me some "Devil Dogs" from New York and well...they kick ass and are the substitute hands down for the "Ding Dong". Case closed.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I'm a Ding Dong Man

I wish these still came individually wrapped in aluminum foil. They just seem fresher. Giant aluminum hockey pucks. And did you know they are vitamin fortified kiddies? What's your Ding Dong?

Monday, November 27, 2006

Black Friday Ultimate Fighting

What prize is worth this? Mine was a nice sleep in. Suckers.

Monday, November 20, 2006

The Strange Land of Japan

I went to Japan a few years ago. It was a great cultural learning experience to say the least. I did enjoy it. Especially learning about old Japan. If you ever have the chance to visit I highly recommend it. There were times though when I would walk around Tokyo and I felt as though I was in a modern U.S. city but there had been an alien invasion. The customs and mannerisms are so different. Of course I was one out of a million in a sea of Japanese. I don't know if tourism is down in the winter but I didn't see much of my own kind. It just made the immersion experience that much better. One of the mannerisms that's different is on the subway. It is impolite to look at someone else so everyone either looks at the floor, reads or pretends to sleep.
One bright sunny day I decided to wear my sunglasses. I admired myself in the mirror and thought, "man those Japanese are going to think I am a cool looking American". Before I even left my friend's apartment (my friend was teaching English there at the time) she said "Japanese people think only criminals wear sunglasses". I didn't know whether to believe her or not. She is known to B.S. a bit. As the day went on and we traveled around the city I realized no one was wearing sunglasses. The sun could be searing one's retina and they just didn't care. Japanese must have an inner eyelid like Spock on Star Trek. So I gave in and took off my glasses. I didn't want to be taken down by some Japanese ninja school girl like on Kill Bill Vol. 1. I know you guys out there are thinking hell yeah, but no. Most Japanese don't know what toothpaste and braces mean. Note to self: Do not expand Sunglass Hut to Japan. Scrap oral hygiene conference as well. The point of the story (before it gets too long) is once you think you have the Japanese figured out they do something that makes you say, "WTF". There is this new popular character on T.V. in Japan. His name is Hard Gay. He plays pranks on people and some parents even allow their kids to play with him. Now there is merchandise with his likeness on it including a Disney Character wearing Hard Gay clothing. If that shit happened here his ass would be kicked nine ways to Sunday.

Monkey Butt

For those of you that suffer from an occasional attack or have a chronic condition of Monkey Butt, it's good to know that there is relief available now. I actually saw this product in a bike store recently. I ride my bike to work daily and I registered to do the MS 150 in April. The MS 150 is a two day bike ride from Houston to Austin. It's about 180 miles total. With that much time in the saddle, chaffing is bound to occur eventually among other things. So I may be the one giving the product review in the near future. So buy it by the bottle or buy it by the case. Viva la Monkey!

Friday, November 17, 2006

Nicotine Twinkies

A cool buzz with every bite!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Is Elmo Ernies Love Child? Who's The Daddy?

Life Partners or Just Two Swinging Guys Cruising For Female Puppet Tail

The Cha-ka Report

I make large Paku Poo Pies and launch them in your general direction says Cha-ka.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Word Masturbation

What the hell is word verification anyways. Is it supposed to be a test in visual acuity or is it a test to see if you are using a real monitor versus counterfeit? And is the handicapped logo next to it for those who can't figure out word verification? What would you see if you couldn't word verify? Fuck, my head hurts now.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Look At Me I'm a Celebrity!

I liked Tony Danza when he was on Taxi and Whose the Boss. Maybe because the shows carried him or I just liked the character which was Tony being Tony. Not a stretch. But when I see him on T.V. and his now former talk show all I hear is how he would hang out with Frank or Sammy and my good friend so and so. Hey, and look at me do my song and dance. He does the self promotion to the point of triggering my gag reflex. Tony you will never go down as one of the Rat Pack or be known at that level. Go back to being the old Tony.

You’re Under Breast Arrest!

About month ago I discovered a lump in my left breast. I am a male so should I worry? Being in the medical field you tend to over analyze everything to the point of paranoia. My friends in medicine didn’t make me feel any better pointing out the fact that male breast cancer is more deadly. I think this is due to men not going to the doctor to have it checked until it’s too late. So with that I made an appointment with my doctor.

At the doctors office I wasn’t too worried. I thought he would come in and say, “oh that’s just an inside out pimple. We’ll just lance it off and you will be on your way.” After the exam he said, “ well I think it is just a dilated vein or something, but lets get an echo and mammogram.” Out the door I went with my referral. I soon made the appointment and realized it would be almost a month before I would get the tests. I don’t want to wait. I want to know if my boob is normal or not. So now for the next month I start to worry a little. I was a prisoner of my left tit.

The day finally came and I went in for the tests. I sat in the waiting room being the only male. Not necessarily a bad thing. I heard my name with Ms. in front of it. Being comfortable with my manhood my ego suffered no long lasting damage. I understood and laughed it off. As I followed the nurse down the hall into the mammogram room I soon found out why women hate them. The tech took my breast and “milked” as much tissue out as she could mold onto a small table and lowered this clear plate on top of it and smashed it into oblivion. Just when you think she can’t squeeze down on it anymore she does just that. And then one more time so I can’t escape. The mammogram machine now pin my left breast down into submission. Of course they do this from every angle and then the right breast just to compare it. I felt like I just breast fed a pack of rhinos before walking out of that room.

After a short time back out in the waiting room I was called back for the echo. This was much more pleasant. I lay back in a bed with the lights down while warm jelly was being applied to my chest. Then the echo tech massaged my breast with a probe to illuminate my tissue below. (Isn’t this how most porno’s start?) As I watched the screen I could see this pea shaped object just below the skin. The tech say’s, “I’ll be right back.” I relaxed not thinking anything until the she came back with the radiologist. I was a little concerned because I work in cardiology. When the tech is having concerns they will go and get the doctor to come back with them. So the radiologist’s starts doing the echo and starts saying, “I can’t see it.” I am thinking, “see what?” I later learned that what she was looking for was a tail. If you can see a tail it means it’s a cyst. A cyst is typically benign and that would have been the end of the story, but no. The radiologist wants to be safe and recommends a needle aspiration with or without a biopsy. Now I want to crap my pants. She says, “we will contact your doctor to get permission and you can come back at a later date.” No, dammit I want it now, I thought.

So I am waiting for the phone call to come back for my biopsy date. I finally get a call from my doctor, not the radiologist. He wants to see me as soon as possible to go over the results of the echo. Now I really want to crap my pants. I frantically ask the nurse why. I thought I was just going for a biopsy. She states that this is routine. I go in the next day and he hands me the echo report. It states that the mass is graded at ACR-4-Suspicious. I ask what does this mean. ACR-1 is benign and ACR-5 is cancer diagnosed on the spot. Ooops, I just crapped my pants. He says, “don’t worry most of these are benign, it’s probable just a cyst.” “The echo was just inconclusive.” “The radiologist just wanted to make sure she covered herself and you would come back.” Just, just, just fuck… “What do you think about doing the biopsy”, he asks. “I would of done it yesterday if they would have let me.” So off I went with my referral slip again. Luckily I wouldn’t have to wait but a week this time.

When faced with the possibility of cancer even if its slight you start to have all kinds a weird thoughts. The weekend before the biopsy my wife and I were at a wedding. We didn’t talk about it much. I didn’t want to worry her. She looks at me at the reception though and wells up with tears saying, “I don’t want you to leave me.” That just killed me. I felt so sad. I don’t want to leave; I’m not going to leave. I have only been married since April and we haven’t even started a family yet. I started thinking how I didn’t accomplish all my goals; how I would not outlive my parents and not see my kids grow up. Everything becomes symbolic and your superstitions rise off the charts. I went from being upbeat and invincible to just stressed out and fearful. It just sucked.

The day of the biopsy arrived. I was back in the same office but in a different room. The nurse explained that my breast would be numbed up and then the radiologist would first try the aspiration (which would indicate a cyst. I was hopeful). If no fluid came out they would have to go ahead with the biopsy and that would require an incision. I was praying this mother was juicy as hell. The radiologist was the same person as the one I met on echo day. She began to numb my boob up with a few burning sticks She said look at the screen, there is the needle. I looked up at the echo screen since the needle would be guided by echo. Oh, shit. It looks longer than my forearm, I’m thinking. Maybe I should wait in the waiting room while you do that. I don’t like needles too much. Can I have a beer now? “Oh, It’s gone”, she states. “Huh?” “What’s gone?” I thought she was still numbing my boob. The aspiration needle popped the mass. It was a cyst. Extreme relief. Hold the beer. “It is very very rare for the aspirated fluid to come back abnormal and if it does it is usually in women”, she states. Well that sucks if you’re a woman, I thought. I am still waiting for the results today but I feel like I have a whole new life granted to me. Should we all go through this just to appreciate life itself? I don’t know.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Thirsty Thursday. Have a Drink on Me. Whata Ya Have?

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

White Trash Wednesday: The Survival Kit.

Jest en case tha rivur overflows.

I Want This Job

I want to sit in Starbucks with my laptop all day looking out the window at the suits and writing about all the idiots I see and sell it to the enquirer.

Hey Ladies, The Man is on the Market Again.

I Like Pancakes

Breakfast of champions. Buttermilky goodness. Turn it up a notch, sandwich Krispy Kreme between two large Ihop pancakes and syrup. Bamm!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Do Not Spare The Rod!

The Rev. Ted Haggard — The founder of New Life Church in Colorado or should we call it the It's ok to be gay if you are paying for it Church. Come look at the guy, he's the poster boy for pipe smokers. He's just upset he wasn't a catholic priest with a stable full of alter boys.

Brother Benny Please Heal My Bills!

I paid you for God's blessing of my finicial situation. How come my bills are still not paid off. I thought praying was for free.

Cure for Monday. Swimming in Coffee.

Back Off! It's Monday.