Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Legal Sneeze

I found this line in a Trust I had a law firm write up for me. I just think it's funny. It seems like it is just language protecting its own language within the trust. Here is the line: "Where context requires, the gender of all words used herein shall include the masculine, feminine and neuter, and the number of all words shall include the singular and plural." Yeah, isn't that sweet?

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


In December 1999 I went to Japan to stay with a friend. She had come to Japan to teach english for one year at an elementary school in Chiba just outside of Tokyo. And I, like many American men, find Asian women beautiful so I couldn't wait to arrive. But, when I finally made it to the city, I thought I may have landed on a different planet. I was confronted with these young Japanese women in Herman Munster boots. Their skin was bronzed and their hair bleached. Their clothes were bright as well as their eye liner and lip liner. They looked like they stepped into a blacklight experiment with neon makeup and clothes on or better yet they looked like a negative of themselves. Maybe Japanese men found this attractive but Asian women in general look better the way God made them. I hope it was all a cruel joke forced upon the them by Japanese men to try and scare away potential Gaijin from sweeping up their women and hauling them off to the land of....well actual land without buildings and concrete. You see, Japan in many parts is very dense so they have to maximize there space by building up and they have to dress their women like clowns to keep the Gaijin at bay. I don't know, but it worked on me!

Beauty Shop Moments

Ah got tha short hair in frunt for serious occashuns like when ma daughter lost her furst grownup toofus or when ma son spanked his furst monkey. And tha long hair in back is fur redneck hell raisin, makin sweet luv to ma farm aminals and watchin NASCAR. Yeeehaw paw, gather sum whitlin sticks and fire up the General Lee.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Rice A Wrongi

I somehow still miss the fascination with hot-rodding out front wheel drive Japanese cars. Don't get me wrong I love sports cars, but real sports cars that have the essential ingredients. For example: REAR WHEEL DRIVE, great power to weight ratio, 50/50 weight distribution, great handling and braking. The best any of these rice rockets may pull off is straight line drag racing with all the added horsepower but what fun is that in day to day driving. What are you going to do with all the curves you can't carve? You have to turn sometime! And all that non functional plastic/fiberglass cladding crap with the oversized wing on the back. All that shit would produce more drag than a queen in San Francisco leading a gay pride parade (besides looking like the starship she flew in on).

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Spam Recipe of the Week

Chicken-Fried SPAM
Spamarama Favorite

1 can SPAM luncheon meat
2 Eggs
1 cup Milk [plus more for gravy]
1 tsp Garlic Powder
Black and Red Pepper to taste
Worcestershire Sauce to taste
3 cup Flour [plus 4 tbl more for gravy]
Vegetable Oil
2-3 cup Milk [for gravy]

Open the can and dry the spam on a paper towel. Cut into equal slices about 1/4 inch thick. Set aside.

In a shallow dish, mix eggs, 1 cup milk, garlic powder, black and red pepper to taste, and enough Worcestershire sauce to "turn the whole thing a little browner than the yellow pages. In a recloseable bag, place about 3 cups of flour. In the meantime, put 1 inch of vegetable oil in a cast-iron skillet and turn the heat on.

Dip the spam steak in the liquid batter, then shack it in the bag with the flour. Repeat the whole process one more time. Remember, the goal is to mask the spam with crunchy batter and gravy. When the oil is beginning to smoke, drop the the battered spam into it. When the first side is brown, flip 'em. When the second side is done, remove from grease and place on a paper towel to drain.

White Gravy:

To make white gravy, pour out the remaining grease, leaving about 4 tablespoons. While the skillet is still hot, stir in 4 tablespoon of the flour. When it is mixed with the grease well, pour in enough milk to smooth out the mixture. Add a little more milk than you think you need so that you can let it cook down some. When it's to the thickness you like, serve up the Spam with a liberal dose of the white gravy on top.

Ménage à Cha-ka

Friday, August 12, 2005

I Wonder

I remember watching Land of the Lost when I was a wee pre-adolescent. You could just feel the sexual tension between Holly and Cha-ka(Paku). If Cha-ka took Holly back to his cave and hit it, what would there kid look like?

PB&J Corner

One day I'm goin to have one of these hunka burnin love sandwiches!

Elvis Presley's Grilled Peanut Butter
and Banana Sandwich

2 slices of white bread
2 tablespoons of smooth peanut butter
1 small ripe banana mashed
2 tablespoons butter
Spread the peanut butter on one slice of bread and the mashed banana on the other. Press the slices gently together. Melt the butter (or to be truly Elvis-like, melt bacon fat!), over low heat in a small frying pan. Place the sandwich in the pan and fry until golden brown on both sides. Eat it with a glass of buttermilk.
Please note: Elvis tended to eat 12-15 sandwiches a sitting! So belly up!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Spam Recipe of the Week

Mac-n-Cheese-Maple Fried Spam (Stolt from the world wide web.
Personally I hate spam. This is just for my entertainment).

My husband made this dish for me and I watched him with an extremely skeptical look on my face. I didn't like Spam and the whole maple syrup thing just sounded weird. Boy, was I ever wrong. The sweetness of the syrup and the saltiness of the Spam are one of the best flavor combinations.

1 box Kraft macaroni and cheese
1 can Spam
maple syrup

3 servings
20 minutes 5 mins prep

Make macaroni and cheese per instructions on box.
Slice Spam into 1/4" thick slices.
Coat fry pan (non-stick works best) with maple syrup and lay slices of Spam in it.
Fry until Spam is golden and crispy on the edges.

Monday, August 08, 2005


Friday, August 05, 2005

I Wonder

How do dogs know when they see another dog versus a cat, a llama or a squirrel? And what exactly are they looking for when they sniff another dog's ass? Is it like a handshake?

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

PB&J Corner

There isn't a day that goes by that I can't indulge in a classic PB&J. Or, just plain old P. I don't understand why everyone in the BigBrother house complains about living off PB&J for a whole week! If that's all it takes to break em down I want in. I will take those weak bastards down with a PB&J death grip hammerlock off the ropes. There's nothing better than a death sandwich composed of all natural peanut butter, Welch's grape jelly (not that store brand crap) and Wonder bread. Oooozing gooey gummy heaven. Aaahhhhh! gasm.....