Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Prove Bush is a Monkey

Where is his tail, huh? I thought so. We all know he is part of the Ape family idiots!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Fat Kids

Are kids today really fatterer or obeastier? Or, am I shrinking? I don't think I'm getting any smaller. What is causing this? We had McDonald's and Pizza Hut when we were kids and we didn't become fat asses. Just check out these cute little lard boxes with feet. Their parents should be arrested and the kids taken into CPS custody. The kids should then be shipped out to lard ass camp or camp fat ass like Cartman (Southpark reference for those who deprive themselves of this quality production). Check out the bottom photo. I believe they are testing out the theory "Whence fat the penis shrinks".

Halloween Costume

I really like halloween. Maybe it's the memories of childhood. Free candy and you get to be whatever you want which, back in day, is when you actually had an imagination. The thing I hate now as an adult during halloween is trying to figure out a freakin costume. So to make it easy, this year I will go as a big asshole. It may be a stretch for some and maybe not for others. But at least I can say upfront when I arrive that I am coming as an asshole so there will be no high expectations of my behavior and it gives me license to be...well...a big asshole. Yes, this is genius.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Oralando Spring 2005 Final Chapter

Maybe the rain should have been enough warning. I dunno. This is one day when I should have gone with the flow. So we are finally called and seated. Grace and I order the same pork tenderloin dinner. It was pretty damn good. I inhaled mine and felt comfortably full. That is when I should have walked away, but Grace had an extra piece and asked if I wanted it. I caved to the tasty pleasure and practically swallowed it whole and thats when it happened. A large chunk of pork lodged in the lower part of my esophagus. This was around 6pm. I spent the next hour in and out of the bathroom trying to get it to pass. Forcing water down and having it shoot right back up. Now my esophagus was overproducing mucus, which I threw up every thirty minutes. You could set a watch to it. I can only describe it as a suffocating feeling with dull chest pain. What's more is you really have to let everyone know that you are not choking so get the hell out from behind me this aint no Heimlich moment people. You also have to assure everyone your not having a coronary. I was worried I would have to fend off attacks from the front and rear. I can imagine someone giving me the Heimlich while another performs CPR. Kinda like some twisted porno. Well by now I couldnt take it anymore. We had to leave the park. I really didnt want to go to some backwoods ER. You get kinda spoiled working in the med center. While we waited for the shuttle, I called my doctor in Houston and got the doctor on call. He called in a prescription for me at a Walgreens by my hotel. We took a cab to get the prescription after arriving at the hotel. The pharmacy was closed. Why not, the night is sucking only a little, lets turn it up a notch. I had it filled eventually at a 24 hour Walgreens, took the meds at the hotel, but no dice. I took another dose and the pork continued to taunt me. All I got was a codeine like mellow feeling. Ill take anything at this point. It is now midnight. Six hours of undigested pork lodged in my esophagus. I swear I heard it say I aint goin down this way punk. I called the doc again and I got the answer I knew was coming, go to the ER. Luckily it was across the parking lot from the hotel. No more 20-dollar cab rides. Once inside I was pretty impressed. That place was clean, well lit, and friendly. The initial service was fast. I was escorted to a room/stall and worked up and IV'd. I initially was given nitro in the hope that it would relax the soft muscle of the esophagus. All I got was an immediate head rush and headache. I was told that if this didn't work it was off to GI for the scope. In fact he made a call to the G.I. doc on call. No answer. Minutes turn to hours. Finally a reply. Wrong doctor on call. There was a mix up with who was on call. So very reassuring. I have a 9am flight. I was told no problem youll make it. But, should I call and change the time. No, dont worry. It is now 7am. Thirteen hours with a large pork bolus lodged in my swallowing tube. Its a party man and the pork is all mine. Well by now the regular G.I. doc has made it in and I'm wheeled up to G.I. By now Im really ready to get this meat moving. They gave me some real good drugs. All I remember is coughing a few times and waking up feeling 100 percent better. Grace had postponed our flight and we were able to stay in the room for another half day. Oh but how we slept. We later woke up, packed, caught a shuttle and boarded the flight. Lesson number one. Taught by all of us since birth by our mothers. Chew your frikin food people! Fibrous meats just dont pass when swallowed hole unless you're a championship Japanese eating contest professional. Take note of the above picture. Most importantly the upper left corner which is public offender number one, the pork bolus. For the less faint of heart, click on the picture for more detail. An interesting point: Notice the diagnosis at the bottom of each picture. A tech was told I had a foreign body in my esophagus. Notice what he typed in. Im glad he wasn't doing the procedure. Shouldn't you at least have a working knowledge of the english language if you are in a procedure room?

Monday, October 17, 2005

Oralando Spring 2005 Chapter 2

Let me start with... Epcot is large. It would probably be safe to say it would take 2 days to cover it adequately. The front of the park is mostly rides while the remainder of the park is composed of several simulated countries surrounding a lake. Good rides to ride: Test track and Soaring. Bad ride: Mission Space. Let me describe this ride. You and 3 other lucky people sit inside a box that is about as roomy as a large can of spam. You are secured in by an overhead bar. The control panel is moved forward to make you feel even more cozy. Oh that special claustrophobic feeling. There is a video screen directly ahead with a vomit bag just below. They recommend focusing in on the screen at all times. I did just that, no I fought to do that. The goal of the ride is to take the role like navigator or captain, launch the ship and eventually land on mars. You are instructed to press non functional buttons along the way to feel as though you are part of this mission with your team. To simulate the G-force these metal boxes are spun around and around and around. I was told it maxed at 2G. Now that doesn't sound like much. Some roller coasters pull more than that, but they usually don't stay in an elevated G state longer than a brief second or two. This ride relishes it. First at launch and then when you slingshot around the moon to mars. I felt like my chest was going to calapse and I think my lungs left an impression on the seat. While I couldn't feel the ride spinning, my eyes kept jumping left right left right. I fought to keep them straight with the vomit bag in my peripheral vision just in case. Finally the launch was over and we were headed for the moon. Nice space, no G force good. Oh here comes the moon. I'm ready for this we goooooo. Forget it, where's the frekin abort button. I'm going down with a dishonerable discharge. Well I made it around the moon with my stomach contents in tact. The remainder of the ride was tolerable. I will say it was a pretty cool simulation, but it did make me feel a bit too uncomfortable. On a sad note, one week later a 4 year old boy blacked out on the ride and passed away. There was no evidence of physical trauma and thats all that was reported. We toured most of the countries with Japan being my favorite and finished the evening watching the firework show.

It is May 31. Tuesday blues or foreshadowing against nature. We woke to the sound of rain. Damn, this was MGM day. Rain? I decided to skip the park and went to the conference instead. Around 1pm the rain abated and it was clear the rest of the day. Maybe we should have gone to MGM anyways. Too late now. I went to buy dinner after the conference and brought it back to the hotel. After dinner we called it a night. I decided rain or shine we were going to the Magic Kingdom Wednesday.

June 1, Wednesday. It was rain. Like I said yesterday, we were going to the Magic Kingdom rain or shine. I remember the day before. It stopped around 1pm. Maybe we will have the same luck today. The shuttle dropped us off at the front of the park and we hopped on the tram to the Magic Kingdom. Once inside we waited in a long line for our Mickey ponchos at 7 bucks apiece. The quality was slightly above the lawn and garden trash bag variety. Well worth the dinero. We threw them away after leaving the park due to there made in China quality (sorry Grace). The park was not too crowded yet so we attacked the rides early. The first 3 or so were virtually no wait. As the crowds swelled we started pulling fast pass tickets when possible. The rain continued. Great thing about Disney is all the rides are indoors and are pretty benign in the G-force deriving arena. No Mission Chest Pain like in Epcot. Early afternoon we went to watch the main street parade where all of the Disney characters come out. By this time the rain had lightened up. Its amazing how crowded the parade route gets. Im just waiting for Mickey or Goofy to pass out from heat exhaustion or odiferous suffocation. Note about the characters: It is more rare to see them wandering the park than I thought. And if you see one there is a huge line of kids with autograph books they bought in the gift shops. Note to kids: Save the money. Its just some poor schmuck in an over stuffed felt suit. He aint no more real than Santa Clause.sorry. Please stop crying. Ok, back to the day at hand. We saw some special yawner where Cinderella gets coroneted or crowned or married. I dont know what the hell was going on. Its getting closer to dinner time and I thought (when I shouldnt have) that it would be cool to eat in Cinderellas castle, yeah. I have never been inside, the castle that is. We were told at another restaurant via computer booking system that it was booked for the day. We went over anyways and a nice lady squeezed us in. I should have taken it as booked, but no I had push forward to eat at the Castle. Well we waited and waited, yet another warning to not eat here....

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Oralando Spring 2005 Chapter 1

The day before we went to to Orlando I came down with a wicked cold. This was Friday May 27th. The day before my misery began. Or should I say a prelude to misery. I am sure Grace could verify for all of you who question my experience. By mid afternoon I was pounding down the zinc like a crack fiend. Yes, the throat lozenges and the lesser known nasal gel. The stuff works. If its just voodoo I don't care because my cold ends quicker and the symptoms are far less severe.

Saturday May 28th we arrive in Orlando. By now my cold is full blown. Burning nostrils, constant drip, and suicidal ideation. I didn't say the zinc would totally wipe out the cold instantaneously, just lesson the misery substantially. So I continue on my zinc binge. I have to confess I am not a good patient and I don't do illness well. I just curl up in a ball and stare at the wall. After several hours we arrive at the hotel, unpack and I lay in bed until the next morning. I am now probably known to Grace as Mr. Grumpy pants when I turn ill.

May 29, Sunday. Oh, but how I feel like a new man reborn alleluyah the zinc is the bomb. I told ya, you non believing zinc haters out there. So we head out to the conference late morning and I check in. I travel through a few classes and then head off to International drive. The mile stretch of tourist trap heaven or hell, its all perspective. I saw more non franchise no name restuarants along this road than I have in a life time. Even the Mcdonalds was some hibrid with another restuarant from which you could order food from either at the same counter. Is this legal? Should I call corporate on this one? And the staff, well lets say they were not even up to the usual peppy in your face welcome to McDonalds variety. No, they were just plain retarded. Never visit McD's in Orlando on International Drive. Anyway, we purchased an all day pass for the trolley/bus, wait and hop on the first one going towards a mall. We were starving so we stopped at the first shopping complex and decided on Johnny Rockets, a fifties style diner. Not too bad. Brings me back to the days when we were starving for a burger in Japan and I was introduced to Johnny Rockets or should I say, Johnny Rocketsan. Ok, after the burger we hopped back on the trolley and off the outlet mall at the end of the strip. I had no faith in the place. Most outlets are an opportunity for brand name companies to charge full price and the customer to feel as though he got a bargain just because their store is located in a mall with outlet at the end of the name. Or, the second conspiracy is when a company makes cheaper goods just for the outlet and sells them at full price which is of course lower than their real merchandise. Than there are the few that are legit. Well call me a bitch now because no matter what, I wasn't shopping regardless of the scenerio that played out. Thirty minutes later and I had one large shopping bag full of clothes and Grace had none. Lets say I tore up some retail ass that day beating Grace 2 to 1 on the shopping count. The outlet was for real or I was a statistic in the facade. I would like to think I got a good deal and yeah sure I did. After a hard day of shopping we went to eat and headed back to the hotel with loot in hand.

Monday, May 30. The day before we made a deal with the devil for a 3 day hopper pass for the Magic Kingdom. I wanted to see 3 out of 4 Disney parks. I have never been. I dreamed about it when I was a kid and now I am going to see Mickey in his full glory dammit. Well the guy at the hotel had a deal for us. I can get you a 3 day hopper with no expiration date for 100 dollars off. Thats a great deal. All you have to do is wake up early, a limo will pick you up and take you for a 90 minute time share presentation with breakfast. After the presentation you will receive the passes and be wisked away to the Magic Kingdom. Oh boy Oh boy, I can't wait. I thought thats all, just watch a presentation with several other lucky park pass recipients. I wasn't prepared for a 2 hour personalized full court press sales inoculation. It was so painful I almost gave in to just get the hell out of there. They had every counter answer to any question you brought up even if the figures and sales approach was flawed. And if that doesn't work, lets try to make em feel guilty cause this presentation cost hundreds of dollars. Tough shit now, you almost had me but now Im pissed. Where's my passes sales slut. By the way nice suit, but Im not paying for it. We got our passes as promised and our asses driven out to Disney. At least they kept their promise. I pictured us being left out in a swamp somewhere in the Everglades ass deep in alligators and water moccasins. That might of worked, but I wasn't letting him in on that. We chose Epcot for our first Disney park with plans to do MGM tuesday and Disney World wednesday....

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Dick-Tator Quagmire

And now while I'm using the "F" word liberally, how the fuck did this guy become a dictator? Did he out ugly everyone into submission? I can imagine him as an adolescent locked in his room dateless, friendless, desperate and panning for white gold in his pants while thinking..."How can I get popurar with the radies cause everyone knows I ruv the radies. I got it. I will become dictator and if that doesn't work I will fall back on my singing career."

Postal Tendencies

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck, Mother Fuck...Ahhhhh, I feel better now.

Saturday, October 01, 2005


I can't sleep dammit. I have been dragging around all day long on muscle relaxers. You see, I have to tell you, I started taking them after sleeping on a hard ass floor for three days waiting for hurricane freakin Rita to show up. Now my back is all spasmed out. The new generation muscle relaxers have a lot less side effects and the side effects that remain are less intense thankfully (such as feeling like jello straining through a gym sock). Anyway, I'm taking Skelaxin. It does a great job but makes you drowsy all freakin day. So I just started pumpin in the caffeine. Who knows the amount, maybe 1000 milligrams. Now my heart is pumping like a lab rat's and I have heart burn that could melt the paint off the Alaskan pipe line. So what am I doing besides writing another entry into this blog. I have been searching through other peoples blogs and let me tell you PEOPLE, I understand this is a freedom of expression thing. But, nobody wants to or can read your blog written in pink with a red freakin background in an 8 point font! And oh my God, how many of you need to seriously look into Prozac and psychotherapy like yesterday. I am getting so depressed reading this stuff I might just ask for some Prozac through an IV. Or better yet, just to mask the pain, how about a habanero sauce enema.